Inner outer thoughts
by vmt1998
Summary: Helga is advised to write letters that makes her be more honest to herself to help herself improve. The only problem is will the letters fall into the wrong hands.
1. The letter

_Dear Arnold,_

_Mrs. Bliss told me; that to be able to make myself the person I want to be I have to be honest with myself. And I'm not good at that. I'm not good with saying the things I need to say. I'm better at writing it. Maybe its the way I was raised; actually, it is. The only way I learned how to get attention was to be loud and use violence or keep to myself odd as that sounds. So when it came to showing any other normal emotion I used what I learned._

_But the thing is I loved you so much. So much more than I can even possibly describe. But I loved you too much, I loved you to the extent I couldn't think straight. My love for you is toxic not just for me but for you. I was hateful towards you because I didn't know how to properly tell you how I felt. And that doesn't excuse my behavior; it just reiterates the fact that I need to let you go._

_Maybe then I could possibly be the person I want to be when I'm around you. I'm just tired of using my anger towards you as a scapegoat because you don't deserve that... no one does. And I don't know why I chose you in this twisted love affair that's one-sided. The thing is I love you but I don't think I could ever possibly make you happy the way you deserve to be happy. Especially if I continue acting the way I am._

_All I want in life is for you to be happy. So if loving you makes you unhappy then I will stop, I have to stop. And maybe it would be better if I cut myself out completely that way I don't hurt you in the process. If only I knew what the right decision in this is I would pick it. In all honesty, I don't want to stop loving you but for now its the best thing that I can do. So I'll write it as I can, I love you Arnold, but as of now I can no longer love you._

_Even writing that makes me feel broken. Because for some strange reason you make me feel different than I am. I don't understand how you can even look me in my face after all the vile things I've done to you to our supposed friends._

_I think the first step I have to take is letting you go. And it's weird writing this because for all these years I've imagined you being mine. The bitter truth of the matter is you where never mine, to, begin with. I have to swallow the pill that you probably never will be. Even if I change it doesn't change what I've done to you. For that, I'm so sorry. I'm nowhere near perfect but I hope that in doing this I can change for the better._

_Yours truly_

_Helga_


	2. The realization

_Dear Phoebe_

_I really don't know where to begin. This whole project Mrs. Bliss is having me do is something I never thought I could do. And in doing this it's making me reflect how poorly I've treated you throughout the years. I'm sorry and I know that doesn't change anything. But is strange because I always thought you would be the one id always show this type of stuff to. I never really thought I'd be writing this sort of thing about you for you. Out of anyone you're the one I feel like I can tell almost anything to. But the matter of fact I'm scared to even give any of you these letters._

_That isn't the point in this project but I'm scared to open up. I'm scared to be the person I know I can be and you've always made it easy to open up to you. But I think I've always known that I never deserved you._

_And I figure one day you'll be out there being the best lawyer or doctor there is and I'll be here alone writing about some nonsense. And it won't be because you don't care it will be because I've pushed you too far or I've pushed you away. I'm good at that arent I phebs? I've done that to Arnold to you to myself and the hand full of other people that actually care about me. I don't know how to stop myself, because all my life I've had to fight for what I have and I think somewhere deep inside I can't allow myself happiness because I don't think I deserve it. Because why should I deserve it after knowing all the horrible shit I've done to you and our friends._

_The thing that scares me most is that you know what I'm capable of. And it scares me because for some reason you see potential in me. And for whatever reason, you've stayed by my side. After every fight, every argument we've ever had you still want to be my friend. I can't comprehend why because I know I don't deserve you. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness or kindness even your friendship. But you're someone I can always count on._

_You're someone I wish I could be. And maybe I'm jealous of you. And it's not just because you're smart or pretty it's the fact you hold yourself together better than I ever could. You respect yourself to know when to pull back to calm down and I don't. I don't know how to not let the beast inside of me roam free._

_That's what makes us different because you have control and I don't. I don't deserve you, and you sure as hell don't deserve the way I treat you. No matter how many times I've hurt you, you still have my back. I don't get it. I'm so weak willed I can't control my anger. I can't stop myself from being destructive and every time I even think about giving up you tell me not to._

_At the end of the day, you're better than me. I know I shouldn't think that way but I do. Looking at everything I've done I feel so guilty. Because there is nothing I can do to change it. I've fucked up our friendship in so many ways and there's no real way I could say sorry. Because no matter how many times I do I will never forgive myself. I can only try to make myself better but what if I cant. What if I just make myself worse? I can't keep hurting the people I love. What am I suppose to do? I'm rambling at this point phebs. All I really want to say is I'm sorry. And I feel like I'll be saying that a lot in this process but if this is what I have to do ill do it._

_Yours truly_

_Helga_


	3. The honest breakdown

_Dear Olga_

_Your one of the hardest people I have to do this project on. And I don't know how to even talk to you. Almost everyone on this list I have at least a form of relationship with. With you, I just feel nothing. Maybe I'm wrong about the no form of relationship but I just don't have a bond with you. It's been easy for me to just push you away. And it makes me so angry when you want to be there for me because I don't want you to. I don't want to need you._

_I've known from a young age you've always been our parents, favorite child. And I know I can never compare to you as hard as I try. You will always be their favorite, no matter what idiotic thing you do. You will always have their love and affection. And that bothers me because I know they didn't want me. You can disagree all you want but you will never understand what it's like living underneath your shadow._

_I hate you, I hate being told that I will never compare to you. I hate how every time you come around you act like you don't see how much you hurt me. And I hate knowing every single time I get mad at you I know that you want what's best for me._ _You want to protect me and love me._

_I feel guilty because I'm the reason we don't have a relationship. Because when it comes down to it I'm petty. So what Miriam and Bob love you more. So what you will always be better than me. So what you where the daughter they wanted. I'm the reason we can't have a fucking normal sibling relationship._

_I'm the fuck up in this equation. It's my fault. You are the queen of perfection. The ground in which you walk is like pure gold in our parent's eyes. And it shouldn't bother me anymore I'm seventeen years old. I should get over it grow up. But I can't because you get the parents I wish I had. You get everything handed to you while I work my ass off day in and day out and I don't even get a good job Helga you tried. And I hate you for it. And it's not your fault and I don't want you to think it is. But I'm so broke when it comes to anything involving you._

_I feel like I can never compare to you and your greatness. I want to know what I did wrong how I can get our parents to love. But I know I didn't do anything, I know its not my fault. You are the easiest thing to be mad at because you get everything I want to have._

_I abuse you as they abuse me because I envy you. I envy your beauty, your smarts your apathy your everything because I believe I'm nothing compared to you. I'm trying to be as honest and as blunt as I can with this. _

_I always feel like I don't belong when it comes to our family. That I should have never been born. I shouldn't have a raging acholic mother or a verbally abusive Father. I never deserved that. But you wouldn't know about these issues because they act all prim and proper when you're home. And it's not your fault and it's not your issue it's theirs but I should feel like I could come to you about these things but I don't._

_I struggle with my anger and I can't blame them or you for my own shit. It my choice to be the way I am and I got to work out ways so I don't hurt anyone else. __I need to work on letting you in because I see you try so hard to be in my life. I have got to stop blaming you for all my fuck ups. I have to stop hating you for all the things our parents have done to me because of its not your fault. Im realizing that I'm trying to change. __And im sorry. I'm sorry I made you feel like you were nothing to me because you are. In my own twisted warped way, I love you. You've proven to me time and time again that you care about me and that's all I've ever wanted from anyone in our family._

_Does this mean I won't lash out on you? I doubt it but I'm going to work on trying to communicate with you. Try my hardest to let you in. And im going to work on my angry. Its what I need to do so I can get in a better place because im not ok right now. Im going to try, I can only hope you will support me._

_Yours truly_

_Your little sister_

_Helga_


	4. The acceptance

_Dear Lila_

O_f course, you would make this list. It's hard for you not to be a part of this. You're different than anyone else for multiple reasons._ _We've been a lot of things over the years. Strangers, enemies, friends, frenemies, rivals. Mostly those negative things were my fault._

_Your different and I know we started off on the wrong foot. When I first meet you I couldn't stand you and your nobility. You had everyone attention and affection. You reminded me of my Sister and I hated it. I don't hate you specifically__ I just hated the reminder of my sister. It made sense when you two were paired up for the big sister little sister program ._

_I was jealous of you for pretty much everything from the get-go._ _You made friends easily, all of our teachers loved you. You had Arnold's attention from day one. I'm sure that was the biggest reason why I disliked you at the beginning. You were the girl he wanted and needed and you still are..._

_The only thing you haven't taken from me is my love for literature. Though we've completed over the years over all sorts of things (mainly Arnold and Acting). You and Ronda strangely encouraged me to be better at my academics. Although Ronda really doesn't give two shits about school. Anywho we aren't talking about her._

_To be honest I don't hate you. I am just tired of competing for the attention and the admiration you get from everyone more so Arnold. I'm not going hide it you know as well as I he likes you more than he ever will me. Who could blame him really?_ _You're the sweet valley girl, Im the rough violent somewhat rich hood rat. Who wouldn't chose you over me with your a charm and your charisma you are beyond what most people here are used to._ _That's what makes you so alluring._

_I think deep down we both know that we would be better off as friends. You're a positive role model and I need more people like that in my life to make myself better. And it not like we can't get along, we have many times. It's just because my bullheadedness seeps through and I don't allow you to get to know me. I guess im more scared you'll stab me in the back. You haven't shown yourself to be that type of person but still, I'm cautious with you._

_I'm worried one day you will tell everyone about this stupid thing I have for Arnold. You've kept your promise this long but I keep thinking about the what ifs. What if she's the lying conniving person you think she is. Sorry I've never met anyone like you. I should be used to your behavior by now but still, my gut tells me not to trust you. I assume that's what jealousy does_.

_You really are different and I don't know how to handle it. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to let you in or trust you. I don't know how to deal with your kindness. I just have to deal with it because this weird war has gone on for long enough._

_I think I'll finally be alright seeing you with Arnold. I mean you both seem so happy being around each other. Its time for me to move on so not that you really need my permission but you can have him and not worry about me. Also, I wanna mention that, thank you for keeping your word this long about not going after him. I really respect that. Even though my guts screaming at me to tell you otherwise I really appreciate it._

_Thank you for that, I don't think until now I would have been able to see you with him. In the end, you're a true friend regardless of how I feel. So thank you for staying true to your word. Im going to try and accept it and let you in all in the same process. Wish me luck._

_Yours truly_

_Helga_


	5. The warning

_Dear Gerald_

_I'm as surprised as you are, I didn't think you would make this list. Typically I would have marked you off but you're involved as much as everyone else is in this. When it comes to you I feel this weird understanding. You somehow how to get me._

_We are a lot alike, we both fight sibling rivalry. We both push ourselves to the limits. We both care for both Arnold and Pheb's. In our own way of course, but we handle it differently. I'm sure you hate me and I really can't blame you. I haven't proven myself to be the best friend or person around especially to those two. _

_I'm not going to ask for your forgiveness because I know I haven't earned it. I don't deserve your friendship or your help. And you have every right to be skeptical of me. I can't blame you for not believing that Im trying to make myself better._

_But there's one thing that makes this different than all the times before. I see you rooting for me and I know you don't want to let in on it because of Im sure your scared I'll go back to my old ways. And I'm scared too, but I don't wanna let you down._ _Your option matters the most me right now. You've kept me grounded and it's not because you're my biggest judge because you are. Its because I know this time around; you want what is best for Arnold and Pheb's._

_And I need you to keep me to that standard._ _I trust your judgment and I'm trying to uphold to your standers. It's hard but I'm trying, I can only hope that you are seeing my gradual improvements. And I want you to know that I don't hate you. I respect you more than you could possibly know._

_That's why I trust you and Im the last person you would probably listen to but you have my blessing with Phoebe. Your a great guy and I wish I had the guts to tell this to your face. You really are a good friend and Phoebe is really lucky to have you._

_I know I could never expect you to let me in or give me a chance to do the same. But I hope one day you will be alright with me at the very least being his friend. I hope I can gain your trust and acceptance. _

_I know I've done a lot of shitty things in the past and I know at the end of the day it is my fault. I get that you want to protect him but we are also seventeen. We have to make own choices, I'm choosing to better myself. I'm probably too late and I have to own up to that. But I hope one day I can be at least something more to him than his bully._

_In saying that I don't want you to assume I want you to tell him my improvements, I want Arnold to make his decision on his own. It wouldn't be right if I asked that of. Even if I had earned your trust.__ Im learning that I have to earn everything. And I'm sure you understand that especially when it comes to being the second child._

_So I want to end this in an all round. I want to apologize first and I want you to know that im not going to give up trying on being a better person. I want to make you proud and prove to you I can do this. Also I want to end this in just because I'm making myself a better person doesnt mean im going to be a push over. You hurt Pheb's and you will have Hell to pay._

_Yours truly_

_Helga_


	6. The hiding spots

_Dear Brainy,_

_Where do I begin with you. There is to much I have to aplogize to you for and theres not a lot of ways I can make up the past fourteen years to you.__ I guess the first thing I should say is sorry. I sorry for never giving you a chance to explain yourself , Im sorry for all the times I physically hurt you. I wish I had the chance to change how I've reacted towards you._

_In these past years Ive seen you grow a lot from being the soft spoken guy to you being bold and out spoken with your wit. And i comend you with that. You've successfully reimaged yourself to someone almost completly different. Your change was someyhing that started this processes with myself._ _I never in my wildest dreams thought that one day I would consider you one of my closest friends. But you've become someone I've been able to talk to with ease. You've always known the real me._

_With you there arent any secrets no matter how hard I try to keep them from you. You just know and I never thought I would have someone like that someone that knew me without the mask. You're different from all of my friends I guess it's a good thing because you've always been able to tell when something's off about me whether I'm happy or sad or out of sorts._

_I know you must be noticing the change in my behavior. I've caught. the questioning looks from you. I promise I'm fine and that this time around I can do it. It weird because I never though you be the one I let see me cry willing. But you've always been there in the back ground. waiting for me to open up. I hope that in some way you see me letting go of the old me._

_I promise I'm fine with seeing him with her. You dont have to try and protect me from seeing them together. I have to move on. Sure right now it suck seeing them flirty since I told her to go after him but Ill be ok. But thank you for making it easier not to see them right now._ _Its funny how well you know all the hidding spots now.There our hidding spots now._

_Writing these letters feel like im chipping away the old me and a part of that is scary. Because I dont know who I am without my walls. Sometimes I imagine that ,that three year old me is screaming to be free. And resently you've been the one helpping her escape.__Youve encouraged me and I feel a little more free. And I could never thank you enough for you always being in my back corner and I wont ever admit this to you but I appriciate you more than you could ever know._

_I appriciate how you have made me laugh and smile more than I have in a long while. I wish I would have let you in sooner because you are a great guy,and you never deserved all of those thing I did to you when we where kids. I'm sorry._

_Yours truely_

_Helga _


	7. Progression

_Dear Eugene_

_I've always seen you like this big theatrical nerd that had a tendency for recklessness. But you've also been the brightest and kindest person I've ever meet besides Arnold. Without your smile and charisma everyday, I wouldn't have something to smile about daily. You've made every day of this changing myself challenge a little easier. Which sounds completely cheesy in retrospect, but that's the truth. I can't believe all those years I spent picking on you I never once realized how you just wanted to make everyone else happy. _

_You've shown so much strength throughout the years that I never noticed before all of this. And there is so much I wish I could take back and do over. Eugene I see a little of myself in you when it comes to creative writing and acting. You love your work and you strive everyday to become better at it. And for so long I couldn't understand why you keep pushing yourself when you feel down when you failed. I understand a little bit now and I wish I understood sooner. I wish I would pushed myself a little more I wish I hadn't have given up on myself as soon as I did back then. But looking at you reminds me what I want to fight for; I want to be the best person I can be no matter how many times I fall._

_I look up to you and the way you view life. And I know it hard for me to see the world in the way you and Arnold do but when I see you two I'm reminded of the two rays of sunshine I see daily. And it brings me so much joy to feel hope. Looking at you and seeing you it's helped me to become better. And I never thought I'd be in a place in my life where I could say I feel slightly less alone and more happy. This journey has brought me to places I never thought I be and at my lowest points you and all of our friend where there to pick me up. And I never thought I'd feel the love I feel today. You've helped me see something I've never been able to in myself before. _

_If you would have told me before all of this I'd be here writing these letter I would have told you :you where mad . Especially one to you and if I did I would be writing about how envious I was of you. I've seen myself grow and now I'm realizing why sometimes I act the way I do and I see myself growing more. I'm not envious of you anymore Instead I admire you for the lessons you probably aren't even aware I've learned from you. I hope you always see the world the way you do and I know one day you will make it be as a famous director. Trust me when it happens I'll be supporting all the way._

_Yours truly_

_Helga_


	8. Friendship

_Dear Patty_

_I think it's only right that I'd write you this letter to you. We are so similar in so many ways I feel like out of anyone you understand me the most. When it comes to be labled and feeling alone specifically And realizing that makes me wish we where friends sooner. I'm still forever sorry for the way we actually became friends. If I could change it I would but I think it's fitting that well became friends because I bullied you. As strange as it sounds we where two in the same people back then though you didn't want to be labeled as a bully. I didn't know how much we both needed each other back then. _

_And I'm so proud of you for no longer caring about what people think of you. Because you are one of the most amazing, generous, caring girl I know. In this journey of finding out who I want to be I'm reminded of you. You've made being the way I was more explainable. You made me realize how much hurt I was holding in and I'm beyond bless to have you in my life. Because without you I wouldn't know what do and I wouldn't have know how it was ok to let this all out. I know your leaving here soon for collage but I want you to know how much you've changed me these past few years gradually. _

_I never thought these letter would help me process how much not only how I've changed but how much I am loved. I of course will always regret the way I use to be but I'm glad to have learned how to handle everything. You and Eugene taught me it's ok to fall and you been a peice of support I've always needed and I'm glad you been one of the few people Ive been able to drop my walls to. And I think everyone is starting to see me changing and it's thanks to you and our other friends._

_Patty I hope you are alway reminded how beautiful your soul is and how loved you are. And I hope I can be half the friend you are one day . Please remember when you leave this town that (It doesn't matter how you start off it matter how you end it.)Just like you've always tried to remind me of. Don't forget to call me._

_Yours truly _

_Helga_


	9. Clarity

_Dear Mrs. Bliss_

_I don't know if you expected this or not. A part of me believes that you did in some way. You see unlike everyone else you are the only person Ive actually shown these letters to the one person that I'll actually give their letter to.Which you already know pointless to say but I feel like it's important for me to tell you how much I trust you. Because there was a time where I was once reluctant to talk you about anything. I've grown a lot since then and I have to say it's all because of you. _

_There was a time in my life all I did was run away from my problems. You made me face them head on,you gave me the support I never knew I needed. For the longest time I thought these sessions we had together where meaningless. I wasn't worth fixing , I wasn't worth your time. Because I would always fall back to the way I use to be. I never tired to be better , all I tried to do was survive and try my hardest to get out of this town. I wasn't happy with who I was or where I was going. And I didn't understand why I felt so trapped and alone. You made me understand why and gave me clarity. You made my angry spells more explainable and I felt in some way validated for being the way I was . _

_You've pushed me to strive for greatness and be better. You've been the mother I've alway looked for and wished I had. Because no matter what if I called you I knew you would listen ; not because your my counselor it's because you actually care. I look up to you in so many ways. And there isn't anyway I could possibly begin to tell you how I appreciate you. But I can tell you how much I care for you and respect you. Because no one else could handle the old explosive me better than you did and will and probably will continue to. I__ know I have so much more to work on myself but I'm so glad you could see something I couldn't. I'm glad you could see past the broken me and believe in the me I could become._

_I never thought that in writing these letters I'd see myself break away and become healthier. You made something I love into a beautiful project of self recognition. I didn't think that I get this far and feel this way. I never thought I would get to see the person I knew I was behind all of my walls and it's because of you I've learned to chip away my hard shell. And I'm sorry that this letter has so many tear drops but I want you to know that they aren't sad ones they are happy. Because I never believed that I'd get this far. I'm sure you did but for me hope was just a chance thing for me. I've learned to hope,and live and be happy. I never thought I would see a day where my anger wouldn't escape , I was just in such a bad place then. I can't believe I'm here and I'm still fighting to become better everyday. Im glad I've learned from you how to Channel my anger in a more positive route._

_But in say all of this I feel as though I need to apologize for the next few letters you will have to read. Because the places I go I wish I would have told you sooner. I'm not stronge enough to not make them letters that make me happy to read. And I wish I could actually do something with them but I can't and I'm sorry if I disappoint you and I hope you will forgive. _

_Yours truly _

_Helga _


	10. Questions

_Dear Ronda _

_Is this even a surprise? Parsley yes parsley no it's for you to decide. Do you belong on this list I'm not very certain. One thing I do know is that you not someone that lifts me up. And it's hard for me to know what to say to you besides something mean. Because that how our relationship is we've constantly berated each other since the day we meet. And as much as I wanna say I've change you bring me back to the person I don't want to be. You know exactly how to push my buttons to make me explode in a rage of furry. And I've tried my hardest to calm myself when I'm around you but you make it difficult because it's always something with you. I don't know whether or not to feel disgusted in you or myself because you shouldn't have the power to get underneath my skin the way you do._

_I try so hard to understand you and why we don't get along. Maybe it's because we are similar in so many ways that we can't see we just clash. Or maybe it because you enjoy seeing me defeated. You enjoy acting like the popular rich spoiled girl but deep down your alone. And you have to find someone something to let your rage out on because no one else can understand you. And you flaunt your riches because that's all you have because you think that's the only reason why people like you. Any part of that is true because people don't want to be around someone that makes them feel worthless. But my question to you is : is that how you feel? Is the reason you bully and flaunt your riches because you want someone to notice you? Is the reason you don't care about anyone else because you don't care about yourself? If it is I've been there and it's not a place you want to be. As much as we don't get along if what I thinks going on I understand you more than you think. _

_I understand it's not my place to ask these things but I have to be able to give myself a reason. Otherwise I feel like me breaking when you push is for nothing. Maybe you push me because you see my out burst a leeway into understanding your own and without it you feel unexplainable. And as much as I dislike you if you feel this way I a bit relieved. Because if you chose on pick on me because you feel isolated I feel in someway honored. I want to be able to give you a benefit . But maybe Mrs. Bliss is right you can't away explain something sometime people do horrible thing without a reason. And I want to believe that you have something going on that explains all of this. That explain why you hate me so much. Maybe I'll never know but I want to believe that there are reasons why we are the way we are, and why we act the way we do._

_Do I think we could ever be friends I really doubt it. Because I can't go back to the way I was and I can't allow myself to be dragged down. But I can always hope that one day we can change that we could be friends that we could actually get along. But I don't think that will happen not unless something changes for you. Do I want you to change who you are no but I also believe that you could so much happier if you did. I have no place in telling you what to do but I'm hopeful that one day we will be able to laugh at who we use to be and say how far we've become. _

_Yours truly_

_Helga_


	11. Why

_Dear Miriam _

_I don't know how many times I've rewritten this. I'm struggling so hard to know what to say to you. I don't know how to talk to you and I don't know what to do to change that. I don't know what I can do to make you stop drinking or smoking or even love me. I don't know what to do to make you happy? How can I change this? How can I change us? In all honesty your the one parent I have faith in and is very little at that. I feel like I can never be what you and Bob want me to be and I feel trapped in that._

_And I have so many questions circling in my head of why you would kept me if I couldnt make you as happy as Olga made you happy. Why was I even born if you didn't want me? Why was I never good enough for you? Am I the reason you started drinking? What did I do wrong. Why don't you want to be in my life? Why do you stay with Bob if your miserable? Why is it every time I need you,your passed out somewhere in the house? I want answers I want to know why. _

_Why is it every time you pay attention to me is when its something bad or when Olga's around why do you magically care . How do you get right to caring when you don't even care any other time? How is it fair you can't chose to parent me when it's convenient for you. That's not how it works! I need you there I said it ok I need you to be there for me. I can't parent myself I can't protect myself. I can't walk through life not having a parent or someone to guide me. I need you and your the only parent I want to ask. Bob doesn't care if I go missing or hurt or worse; deep down I know you care. I know you do you have to right? I'm your baby girl and your my mom and you want what's best for me right? _

_The reason your the way you are is because of Bob he broke you and thats why you can't look at me right? Is it because I remind you of him? Is it because my temper was as bad as his? I want to understand please help me to understand. Please let me help or at least tell me why? What did I do that was so wrong neither of you love me. Why do you have to pretend like I don't exist but do when Olga's around? I don't get it . What makes me so unloveable? Why am I not good enough? _

_Asking these questions hurt me Miriam and you do get it. Do you not see how broken I am when you are momentarily sober? I need you to see it I need you to realize the pain you put me through all these years. You might not have hit me like Bob does but you've damaged me when you decided that Alcohol was more important than me. I have more worth than a twenty dollar bottle of whiskey . And I want you to know that . I want you to know that even without you I'm becoming a better woman than you ever thought I could be. And maybe you don't care about any of this maybe one day I'll give you this letter and you will throw it away. But at least I will have know I tried. Like I've been trying to become a better person. _

_ But maybe one day you will care you will be there for me . Maybe we could be a happy family without Bob ruling our lives . It could be us girls against the world and we could be the family I've always dreamed of. We can be happy and relaxed and for once at peace. You won't have to drink Olga and I will be bonding and we could be a proper family. We could be that now we could go far away and start all over. I'm desperate to have something with you and you have to understand that.__You__ have to know when I look at other moms I wish I had that . I want that I need that and that all I ask? _

_ There is so much more I know I can write Miriam but for now this is all I have to say. _

_Your (second) Daughter _

_Helga _


	12. Peace

_ Dear Bob_

_How do I do I start this letter? How am I supposed to get through to you. Unlike Miriam you've actually been there to watch me and judge me growing up, I don't know which one of you is worse? There are parts of me that appreciates being yelled at my entire childhood. But there's also a part of me that wishes you would have left me alone like her. We use to be close when I was younger we use to bond wrestling sports. But I guess track isn't a good enough sport for you. _

_I remember every since I was little all I wanted to do was make you proud and have you see me more than Olga's little sister. I suppose thats wishful thinking.Because I know I'll never amount to her for you . And I wish I could say I'm ok with that but deep down I always wanted to be was the one you loved and praised. I know I'm not the daughter you want or need but I'm here and you can't change that. And all I want is to make you proud; I want you to see me not this mini Olga version you see of me. _

_I want you to be my dad I want you to be there when I someday walk down the aisle. I want all these wishful things from you and I know I will never get them and it sucks. I've tried my entire life to be different to be outspoken to be mean and I was never happy. I couldn't be because I was alway comparing myself to someone else or trying to make other people happy or trying to be someone I wasn't . That's not the life I want to live anymore. _

_I want to be happy and being trapped in this cycle isn't getting me where I need to be. I have so much more I can do and be and even if you dont notice my changes I want to make that effort. I feel I'm set out to do so many great things and I won't stop till I make it. That something you taught me throughout the years. But I have so much more to learn in life._

_And I have far to many questions for you . But the one that always resinates with me why you hate me your own child but yet love Olga. What makes her so different so special?I realize that I can't force you to love me or care for me: that's just a simple fact but I can ask why! Not that you will ever answer but I need to know for my sanity. I'm aware I'm searching for things that as you would say don't concern me but they do. You have such a pride in our name why not tell me why mine means so little then. Why am I different why to you look at me with so much hatred. Was it because I was suppose to be a boy or was I supposed to be a twin. Is that why you've treated me so rough growing up. Because these are the only reason I can assume why you and Miriam refuse to love me and treat me as your own ever since I was born ,or is it something different? I'm trying to comprehend why you hate me your own child but yet love Olga. What makes her so different so special._

_And I guess either in time I will get my answers or it will die in this letter. I'm not sure which I'm more hopeful for. Because at this point I want to forget everything that's happened and just continue to build myself . I rationally know that no matter what happens it's not going to change the past it won't change us. It can't there's just to much that's broken between us and I can't fix it if you won't admit there's something wrong. More than likely you won't because of your pride. The hint of hopefullyness I have continues to fade everyday with each new scar you leave me whether it be mental or physical. I have to own up that youre toxic and the less time I spend with you the better . I refuse to allow you to make me slip back into my old pattern because your miserable for some damn unexplainable reason. __You can blame me for your miserableness, you can hit me ,call me names but at the end of the day I not going to take it like I use to. I'm not going to let you affect me. I hope in the end of all of this you get what you deserve. _

_Your daughter _

_Helga_


	13. Chapter 13

D_ear me_

_I didn't think we would ever get to this point in our journey. This time we fought so hard to be better and I really do hope this is the last time I fall back into my old ways. It's odd writing to myself but this is the last step I have to take. I never would have thought I'd be in this state of somewhat happiness. Who am I kidding I always expected to be in all reality completely miserable for the rest of my life. Every time I tried looking into the future all I could see was darkness. The only real-time I was remotely happy was when I was fantasizing about Arnold and look where that got me._

_These past few months made me realize so much about myself and at the end of all this, I still feel empty. I'm happy right now happier than I've ever been but there's so much I've damaged and hurt and broken. I know this was to make me become a better person but I still feel like the old me. A part of me still thinks when will I mess up again, when will I let everyone down. I know in the back of my mind its fear but its the thoughts that consume me._

_I want to feel whole but I know I'm not. I'm so tired of hurting everyone but at the end of all of this im hurting myself. The only real person that has listened to me is . I want to continue to be better but I hurt and I don't know where to place my hurt. I want to be real I want to be able to talk about my problems but I just push everyone away. I'm a coward that can't even send out these letters. But I'm scared because if I do they will know the truth. I'm used to this lonely feeling what will happen when I let someone in. Will I fall back to the way I use to be? Will they hate me? Will I hate myself more._

_I've never felt more lost in my life. I have so many questions I want to ask not only to myself but my friends and family. This betterment of myself feels like im just masking the monster I've been to everyone and I'll never be able to make up for all of the things I've done. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. Everyone makes mistakes but I don't deserve any second chances and these thoughts im having are so self-destructive. I wish I could shake off all of these feelings and make them go away but somehow I can't. It's funny really how I've become my own worst bully. Is this my way of atoning for all the things I've done to everyone else? I want so badly to be happy with who I am but I don't know how to. I feel like I'm right back where I started. I just stopped chasing the dream I knew I could never reach._

_At the end of all of this, how did I end up feeling worse than I did when I started this. I've never been able to say aloud that I'm miserable, I hate the person I was and I can't make that person go away. I thought that if I could rewrite myself the way I wanted to; to become better I'd be happy. I'm searching for something I don't really deserve. These thoughts are so destructive and I don't understand I've gotten this far and now everything feels like it's crashing down._

_I want so badly to be happy and be better now I feel like I lost everything I've worked so hard for because I can't let go. Why do I do this to myself._

_Yours truly_

_Helga_


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